Happy Birthday, Isabel

   All day I have been thinking about Isabel's long long birth. For those of you that don't know, I was in labor for 41 hours. That is almost 2 whole days. Two very LONG days. Here we are, 3 years later, and I can still remember in exact detail some of the events that lead to her death and birth. I can remember everyone, EVERYONE telling me that there is no medal for doing it all natural (which, there totally is. Knowing your body is capable of such a big thing and carrying it out proves just how awesome your body actually is!). I can remember both times my water broke at the most terrible times! I carry with me that moment that the nurse left the room while I was pushing to tell my doctor Isabel had passed away and looking out the window and the snow, just starting to fall in that moment. I remember that moment that the doctor laid her on me and everyone in the room looked away while I was trying to rub her back alive. I remember thinking "This isn't the end. This isn't what I prayed for." Those memories come flooding back to me over and over again, sometimes with no warning.
   I always, ALWAYS wish I could just have one conversation with Isabel. I think that would help with the healing process more than anything. I guess that is what it means to be perfected in the afterlife, to finally have all those conversations you need to be whole. I still talk to her on a daily basis. She is a part of me and I use her as my sounding board. But today I want to wish her a happy birthday tomorrow. If she were here, this is what I would say to her on her third birthday:

   Isabel, you have no idea how much and how long we waited for you. Or how long we are still waiting on you to be with us. I tried everything I could to give you the best life you could have with your limited physical abilities. I hope you understand how much I wish it could have been different for you. And I hope that you able to enjoy what little we were able to give you in this life. 
   Addison misses you. But I know you are always there with her. She carries your picture around, as if she is enjoying the world with you. When we put up the butterflies in her room, she took your picture to show them to you. She carries you around in her beloved wagon often. And just today she had you pointing out the window looking at the neighbor kids with her. She knows you. She has even tried blaming you for the pee pees in her pants. I know that there will always be a piece of you with her, where ever she goes. I am so grateful she has such an awesome older sister. I know that you are always with her, even when I can not be.

   Daddy misses you too. I know the thought of having two daughters so close in age scares the pants off of him, but he is learning. He likes to keep his emotions close to him, so we don't talk about his grief much. I always hope that he is finding ways to deal with it in a healthy way. I know that he loves you very much and he is always anxious to see you in Twin whenever we are there.
   I still have unanswered questions about your life. Why did you have to die before I could meet you? Why was your birth so hard? Why did you have to be sick at all? Could I have really done nothing more to have stopped this? I really don't know if answering any of these questions would make me feel better. I hope that it would, but I don't know. All I know is that I can't blame myself anymore. It is absolutely eating me up. I have to know that you would want more of me. 
   I hope that you are thinking of us on your birthday too. If you see some balloons with notes attached, those are probably from us. I am sure we might have to fight Addison to let them just go. She does love her balloons. I wish you could have been here to celebrate. I could have made your the world's ugliest cake, which your Dad would insist it "looks just fine." We could have had a party, something themed just the way you would like. Addison and you could have played all day and I would have read to you all the books you could ever want. That is my birthday wish to you. I hope that you are able to feel all the joy you deserve. I hope that you feel all the love that we have for you. Happy Birthday. I can't wait until I can see you again.

How to Not Get Fatter During The Holidays

   My friend Josh has motivated me in more ways than he can ever imagine. First of all, he motivated me to consider running, a sport I thought ill of.  What is the point of running if you are not A) being chased or B) playing a sport? But, after going to a couple of races to support him and his obsession, I caught the bug too. He has also lost 185 pounds in the last 3 years. He has taught me to set small goals to reach one large goal to change and improve your life. To read more about him, visit his blog at http://www.phatjosh.com. It is amazing.
   He posted a list of 11 ideas to keep you on your weight loss journey. I liked it so much, I thought I would share some of his ideas here, with my own insights of course. I decided to start losing weight in December rather than January like most people simply because I couldn't stand one more day of not doing something right in my life. Has it been easy with holiday treats hanging around? No. Is my 9 pound weight loss worth it? Yes. So here is some things Josh and I have figured out to help us stay on the correct path this holiday season.

• Stick to a regular workout schedule. If the weather outside is frightful, run on the treadmill, an indoor track, or with a workout video. You might find out you like kickboxing, Tae Bo, or yoga. Who knew?
• Avoid overeating at holiday parties by eating a small meal before.
• Designate appropriate times and places to eat that ONE thing you wait for every year to eat. Make sure to ENJOY it as well. 
• Don't eat it unless you really want it and set appropriate limits. One cookie is fine, a whole batch, not so much... 
• If you need a holiday sugar rush ... grab a candy cane! They have only 45 calories and 8 grams of sugar! 
• Snacks should consist of about 15-20 grams of carbohydrates to about 9-10 grams of fat per serving. An apple and a Tbls. of peanut butter or 3 cups of air popped popcorn with a half serving of chocolate chips to fulfill that chocolate serving are both appropriate snacks.  
• Grab water instead of sodas and juices with your meals. This includes diet soda. Need extra something in the water? Add a squeeze of a citrus fruit for a yummy treat. 
• Set yourself a nutrition goal once a week to improve your health. Last week's goal for me was to get 8 servings+ of fruits and veggies a day. This week is that AND 9 glasses of water or green tea a day.
• If you overeat one day, move on. It doesn't mean your holiday diet is broke. That is like saying my bedroom is a mess, I should screw up the whole house! Forgive the small mess and focus on doing more good things. 
• Instead of aiming to be perfect, aim for a more realistic 80/20 diet. That means one "treat" meal a week and one treat a week. Looking forward to that one splurge is enough to help you actually ENJOY the splurge! I am using www.livestrong.com/myplate to track my food and make sure I am staying in my calorie goals. You can too!
• As Josh would say, RUN. Especially run during the Run Resolution (January 1) and New Years Resolution Half Marathon (January 5). Those two runs will hide many of your holidays sins. Plus, you get a carb load before hand! If you are not into running, set yourself another goal on those two days. Start walking now and walk one more mile than you ever have on January 1st and walk 2 more miles on January 5th. Small feats like these add up to large improvements on your health and on your ego!

      This list serves more of a reminder of the things I should be doing, but I hope it helps you too. Remember, small steps can lead to awesome destinations. 

Walking for Newton

   Today a friend of mine on Facebook posted a link about how to help Newton,CT, http://www.hlntv.com/article/2012/12/18/ways-you-can-help-newtown-community. I read the list and decided, FOR SURE that Little Miss and I could so some of them for an activity today. But there was one that was right up my alley:  "#9: Find other people in your community who are pledging to walk for 27 minutes on Friday 12/21 at 9:30 a.m."
   I want to challenge all of you, no matter where you are, to try and drop what you are doing and walk for those 27 minutes. Walk around your block, your park, your walking path, your mall, or march in your living room. Just move for those 27 minutes. And spread the word. Tell everyone you know to walk for those 27 minutes. Not only will it honor those who have fallen, but it will also improve your health. 

Putting On My Big Girl Panties

   So, in case you haven't noticed, I quit blogging and the Vegas race was 16 days ago. And no, I didn't run it. :( While running in August I started feeling sharp pains in my left foot. The next day I could barely walk. Turns out I have plantar fasciitis and was no longer able to train. Nor did I work out for 3 months. And we moved, AGAIN, during that time (but we bought a house, so I don't think we will be moving for a very long time). And yes, I put back on all the weight I lost. But we still went to Vegas to root on Josh (who later decided that the race is far too large and disorganized to enjoy). Vegas was AWESOME and just watching made me catch the running bug again. Too bad I still can't run. Stupid foot.
   But I can do the next best thing. On December 4, the day after we got back, I finally went to the website, livestrong.com/myplate, that my doctor told me about in August (right before I hurt myself). I started with a weigh in and set honest goals for myself. Since then, I have lost 8 pounds! I walk about 15 miles a week with Leslie Sansone and do weight training with either Jillian Micheals or  my pilates video. And you know what? I like myself again.
   Something has occurred to me recently. It wasn't my fault that Isabel died. I can't control a tipped uterus or the fact my body doesn't absorb folic acid. Although my body has some hurdles to cross to get pregnant and to have healthy pregnancies, I can't continue hating myself and eating myself to death. Addison needs me. Mark needs me. And I need me. I need me to be the best that I can be. If I don't change, I will kill myself by having a heart attack or a stroke or cancer or something. I have to, for the first time ever, live to be here tomorrow. I have to, as they say, put on my big girl panties and grow up.

Seriously, I Hate That Hill

   I went to Idaho with just Addison after my 5 miler on Saturday and was not, due to my stupid back, able to run again until today. But I decided since it was still in the 60's outside that I would take Addison in her stroller and run 3 miles of what we did Saturday. I didn't even make it close up that hill. First off, my husband must be the strongest man ever because that freaking stroller is like 50 pounds with Addison in it (okay, maybe 30, but still). And then to run with it, FORGET ABOUT IT! I have done it on a flatter course and it was a workout then, but up the hill? Um, no. I was able to run a for part of the mile, but nothing uphill for sure. And after the second lap, I went to the workout room and walked the third mile, on a 9 incline, because I obviously need to get better on the hills! And lucky for me, Addison sat happily in her stroller watching The Price Is Right while I did it.
   Today also starts the day that I quit Weight Watchers and start a runners diet. While lots of people have lost weight on WW, I haven't in months. AND, I feel like it penalizes you for eating good food and forces you to make bad decisions. For instance, a serving of brown rice is 5 points. A serving of white rice is 5 points. The white rice is basically poison. It raises your insulin levels and makes you crave sugar. Brown rice is full of fiber and amino acids your body needs. Yet, I feel like you are penalized for eating it. Same with high fiber whole wheat bread. It is the same value as white bread, which does the same thing as white rice. And, the diet says you can drink diet soda, which is devil liquid. It also makes you crave sugar. And when you drink it, it makes fruits and veggies taste bad, so you eat more of them. Oh, and using sugar substitutes confuses the body on how to digest real sugar, so your body stores it as fat faster. And if that weren't enough, then there is this...http://news.menshealth.com/diet-soda-heart-disease/2012/02/08/. Still, WW has been known to teach people to eat cake made of diet soda, that diet soda is 0 points, and therefor drink up, and on and on. Those are just a few of the reasons I had to stop. I felt punished for eating real, healthy food my body needs as a runner. I need healthy carbs.
   So Mark and I have made the switch. I found after lots of research a 7 day meal plan that would give us about 1800 calories (which I think I still need since I am still nursing and you do need some more when you are running at least an hour 4 times a week). We can always adjust and skip a snack or something, but the plan looks great so far. AND, it is all natural food! Nothing processed. And THAT is AWESOME! I have been growing more and more granola crunch as I age, and I guess eating a whole food diet was just the next step. And since I went to Idaho, I was able to raid my parents garden and bring back some awesome veggies to help us. Like is great.

Oh Rocky, You Make It Look TOO Easy

   Saturday marked my first run outside since we moved. We checked it out on a route planner and realized that running around the Ogden Weber Tech campus equaled a mile. So Saturday Mark and I set out with Addison's cumbersome stroller (we are still in the market for a jogger that isn't a piece of crap) to do our 5 miles. However, the first third of the mile was a hill. A long, long hill. While most of the run is either downhill or flat, there is that long hill. And we had to conquer it 5 times.
  The first mile was good. I realized that running on my flat treadmill was not enough to prepare me for the course I would be running in Vegas. Then, the second trip up the hill killed me. I ended up getting all the way up the hill then having to walk a bit to recover before running again. The third time? FORGET ABOUT IT! I was dying, but told myself that it didn't matter if I walked AFTER I finished the hill, I just had to finish it. And so that is how the rest of the miles went. Run the hill. Walk the next fourth of a mile or so. Run down the other side. Prepare for the hill, and run again.
   The way that run actually went and how I pictured it were completely different. This is how I start my runs, at least in my head...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NubH5BDOaD8. This is what I probably really look like, but in much slower motion...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5bXbJitRZg. The ending is totally me. But hey, what can you do?

The Running Bug and Other Things I Just Realized...

   I guess I have never told my whole running story. Sure, I have told you about Isabel and what motivates me to run a half marathon, but I don't think I have ever told anyone my full running story. The truth is, I am still trying to figure that out, but here is what I have so far.
   Five years ago, my mom had a heart attack and went into cardiac arrest and had a stroke the day after my wedding. She was being pronounced dead at my parents house with my father and sister watching when they found a heart beat. Not a beating heart, just a single heart beat. The medical team that rushed to our house then rushed her to the hospital where my mother had a stint put in and was in a coma for 3 long days. During that time we didn't know if she would live. And if she did live, we were told that she would probably have an impaired life due to the stroke, which they still weren't sure how serious it was until she woke up. Then on day 3, my mom awoke from her coma, dazed, but alive and fully functioning. We brought her home from the hospital with in that week and 5 years later she is doing pretty good, for a woman that died!
   While she was in the ICU, her Cardiologist warned my siblings and I that we now had a high risk of heart attack and that we should do everything in our power to stay healthy. And that scared me, for about 6 months. Then the life of being a full time student, part time employee, and wife took over and I didn't think much about what I was doing to myself. Then Mark and I decided to have a baby. And we waited and waited and waited. Finally, 15 months later a doctor decided I should be fertility tested. They ultrasound me and did blood tests only to find...nothing they could diagnose as one thing or another. Yeah, my hormones looked like I might have PCOS, except I didn't have high enough testosterone levels or cysts. My periods, when they did come, might signal endometriosis, but I also didn't have that. In the end, they could see I has hormone problems that lead to my infertility, but couldn't give those problems a name. So two months after my first doctor's appointment, I was put on Clomid, a fertility drug. Mid cycle they did some testing and decided I didn't respond at all to the drugs. I knew I had, but the hormone tests said I didn't. But I stood my ground and was told to come in at day 30 for more tests. Day 30 came and they gave me a urine pregnancy test. That came up negative. My doctor assured my I didn't ovulate and that I should start the progesterone to start the next cycle, this time on stronger drugs. I went home crushed. And cried. And knew deep down they were wrong. The very next day I was walking home from my evening class and I knew something was up. I was tired and didn't feel right. But, after the day before, there was no way I was going to take another pregnancy test. Still, by the time I got home, that nagging voice in my head convinced me to take one more test then start the drugs again. So I did. And it was positive. My doctor, not believing me, sent me to a blood test. Yep, still pregnant. And I remained pregnant until Isabel was born 35 weeks later.

   Then the third ah ha moment came when I was pregnant with Addison (which I needed no fertility drugs to get!). I had a horrible pregnancy with Addison. I produced too much relaxin and developed Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction, or SPD. SPD left me unable to walk much or lay on the bed or stand too long or anything without EXTREME pain. I had to sleep in our recliner and was basically on bed rest from 20 weeks on. Then they were never quite sure if Addison was really healthy, until she was born. So that lead to 38 weeks of sure terror. It was hard to get to excited about her arrival when we weren't sure if she was even going to come home with us. They decided that she for sure didn't have Anencephaly, but couldn't rule out Hyrodcyphaly for sure until she was born. Then I had a doctor that cried wolf and insisted, due to my huge weight gain this pregnancy, that I must have diabetes, which I didn't, or needed a c-section, which I didn't. Oh, and if all this wasn't enough, I then got high blood pressure the last week of my pregnancy. By the time I came to the hospital in labor, my blood pressure was like 160/110 or something like that. Which would explain the unstoppable headache I had. 
   All of this together made me realize that I had to do something so I would never be in that position again. And while it took us a year to actually start a real running program, I can say that I have treated myself better than I ever have in my life. And now I love that my body is capable of running. That I can go run for an hour. I love this and crave it. I think all the time about the training tips I read and about how my next run will be. It is a marvelous change. And even weirder, I have the running bug. I used to tease my running friends about it, but trust me, it is great. And I hope that this lifestyle change can prevent myself from a heart attack, or more infertility, or another high risk pregnancy of my own body's making.

The 6AM Run

   If you know me, you know I am not a morning person. I am a total night owl and I don't believe anything should happen before 9AM, minus ultrasounds. I can manage to get to my pregnancy ultrasounds that early without complaint because they are worth getting up that early for. Oh, and so is flying. And debate tournaments. But I digress.
   Because of yet another heat wave I have decided not to put off my runs until Mark gets off of work because even my indoor runs are unbearable that in the afternoon heat. And after my heat exhaustion I decided I needed to not do that again. So this week I am going to have to go running before Mark leaves for work at 7:30AM (Mark IS a morning person. Yeah, a Vegas trip is interesting with us. I could party all night and he can't. But he is ready to go at 8AM). Thus, I had to get going at 6AM to have my 3 miles in in time. Addison got me up 10 minutes before my alarm goes off, just like she usually does Daddy. So after a quick nurse, I got up and ate before heading to the treadmill. I had decided before I fell asleep last night that I needed to do some sprinting work in order to get faster. Lets face it, I don't have time with Addison to have 3+ hour runs when I get up to 10-13 mile runs, so I better start getting faster now. So the plan, finish every mile with a 30 second sprint. The run went really well. I actually got 4 really good sprints in, the last one lasting a minute. And instead of running at 3.8, I was able to run at 4.0. with 5.0-6.0 sprints. YAY! PROGRESS!
   And while I was able to finish 3 miles in under 45 minutes (it's a record), I was not able to escape my after run headache. I know it is because I tense up while running, and I am working on it, but I obviously still have some work to do. But I am still quite happy with my run today and can't wait to get in my remaining 12 miles this week.
   Oh, and I figured out my first 13.1 dry run will be on September 8, so Mark and I are trying to figure out what would be a good reward for reaching our goal then. I am thinking a Salt Lake date, but we'll see.

A Whole Lotta Stuff Going On

   Yesterday was awesome. To start out with, Mark and I got to get up extra early, before the sun was even up, to go to West Bountiful to volunteer for a half marathon a friend of ours, Josh, hosted to support cancer research. Mark and I, along with Addison and Ryan Copeland, were the relief station at the halfway mark. To read more about the half marathon or my friend Josh's weight loss and running journey's, read his awesome blog at http://www.phatjosh.com/.
   While at the marathon, I think Mark and I decided that we might want to move to the Centerville/Bountiful area. We are not that happy here in Ogden. We don't feel safe and the whole town seems very run down and unsavory. We have 2 bars a block from our house and a porn shop about 2 miles from us (right by a softball park for kids). There are topless bars here and bunches and bunches of questionable people. I don't feel safe running outside by myself and worry about Mark when he goes. I guess the culture shock of moving from Orem to Ogden hasn't worn off at all.
   Also, I have been thinking a lot about Isabel lately. I recently learned of another couple that is carrying to term a baby with a fatal birth defect and it brought up a lot of stuff for me. July 29 is the anniversary of when we found out Isabel had Anencephaly, so that is coming up fast for me. It not only marks the day we found out she was sick, but it also marks the end of the days I would like to call my "innocent pregnancy" days. You know, you go into a pregnancy saying you hope the baby is healthy, but secretly you know nothing will ever go wrong for you because that happens to other people. So, instead you worry about what sex the baby is and what it will look like. But July 29, 2009 marked the end of that forever for me. Instead, now I have to worry about things like Anencephaly, Hydrocephaly, Exocephaly, all the Trisomys, but especially 13 and 18 (since we don't know if Isabel's condition was really Anencephaly or a Trisomy that presented that way), and miscarriage ( I had one of those with Addison's twin). And that is just the stuff I know I am likely to have!
   But I also think a lot about Isabel's life. She was willing to accept a body that was so imperfect (blind and deaf and a brain that was mostly unformed) and live such a hard life with seizures and pain. And even though she was still born, she held on until the very end and had what had to have been a painful death, passing while I was pushing. How strong of a spirit must she have had to accept such a fate? And how strong must Heavenly Father think I am to accept that for her? I know with every fiber of my being that we did what we could for her and that we were guided in our decision making to do what she needed, but sometimes knowing how horrible her physical pain and limitations had to have been makes me mad and sad and questioning how this could happen. I can still remember the "knowing" time of my pregnancy, like it was yesterday. How I couldn't bring myself to do more when I got home than to sit on the sofa, watching tv and playing on Facebook. Seriously, that is about all I did when I wasn't at school or work. I never cleaned my house (Hoarders almost could have had a great show here!), I ate only stuff that I didn't have to cook, which meant a whole lot of fruit cups and sunflower seeds. Mark was taking 16 credits and working 45+ hours, 6 days a week. We saw each other when he got home after midnight and before he went to school at 8am. Our family and most of our friends lived 8+ hours away. My whole time was spent, just Isabel and I.

   I sometimes get so mad that she wasn't born alive because I truly feel like I was the only one that knew her. I was the only one that knew she liked it when you rubbed on her wayward knee or elbow. I was the only one that knew her love of Butterfingers and Root Beer (two things I didn't like until I was 6 months pregnant). No one but me got to really know her. And that is really hard to deal with. That is why I run. I run because I never what this to happen again. I run because I think she always thought I am a better person than I think I am. I run because I know she knows I can do it, even I don't think I can. To read more about my pregnancy with Isabel, visit my other blog, http://gabicafamily.blogspot.com/. 

Running, running. Fun! Fun! Fun! Meant to do 3, but did a 4 mile run!

  As you can tell by the title, it was a GREAT running day. I was in an awesome mood because dinner was in the pot, ready for me when I got home, it had rained, and Addison and I had a wonderful day together. I hoped that would translate over to my run. And when I first got on the treadmill, I got worried because the first half mile was a killer. I am still trying to figure out my pace, so that took a while. And my hips still hurt from the last 3 miler I did, making it painful almost when I started. But then I figured out the right speed (3.8. Yes, I am that fat and slow!) and BAM!, running got easy. Almost like I was born to run!
   Things were going great. At 1 1/2 miles I started toying with the idea of going for 4 miles. I was feeling good, I was breathing out my nose for the most part, and my hips were feeling great. Then 3 miles came and a fit couple came to the workout room and started running on 7.0! 7/0, really?! I knew I had to go to 4 miles then or else they would think I was ridiculous keeping the same stride they were at 3.8 without going 4 miles.  And it was going great, UNTIL the treadmill went into cool down mode because I had been on it an hour. With .22 miles to go until my 4th complete mile, and only 5 minutes of "cool down" time left on my timer before my miles disappeared off the display forever, I decided to turn it up. 4.5 wasn't adding the miles up fast enough, neither was 5.0, 5.3, or 5.5. Then with just .9 miles to go and 1 minute left, I was forced to run at a 6. But alas, I ended up being .3 short when the minute ran up. So, I turned the treadmill back up to 6 and ran the .3 I was short and did a cool down. I thought they would think I was lazy or crazy, but instead when I got done the lady was impressed I ran it into cool down mode! HOW ABOUT THAT?!?! Looking back, it was amazing! If you would have told me even 2 months ago I could run that long I would have laughed at you. Run a hour straight? That is for crazy people. But I did it. And I did it and sprinted my butt off at the end.

3 Miles!

   I'm back. Back in the running groove! I just got 3 miles in. And while there had to be lots of "you can do it" and "you got this" talk to myself, I am glad I did it. This is officially my 2nd 3 mile EVER. I wanted to be up to 4 miles regularly by now, but you have to bask in the victories when they happen.
   Also, I have a question to all my running friends out there. When you run, have you ever felt a ton of pressure in your head? Like you head is full on cement and in a vice. I now have a heck of a headache. Why? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

We Are Moved. Time for RUNNING!

   The move has happened. We are still unpacking, but at least we have a place to call home again. The move went smoothly, mostly. Mark and I sure did see the benefits of all of our running while moving out of our second floor apartment and again while bringing our stuff up to our third floor apartment. However, there has been a horrible heat wave here and between the move, the heat, and not having a key to the fitness room until yesterday, we haven't ran in 3 weeks! YIKES!!!! I just counted on my fingers and we are T-5 months until the half marathon. Time to get going!
   So now that I have an access key to the fitness room (And none too soon either, for a brush fire erupted this morning a couple of miles from us and the whole area is smokey!) tonight I am going running again. It will be good to get started again and hopefully the few pounds I have gained during the move will melt right off and I can keep going in the right direction. We are planning on hitting the running path at McKay-Dee Hospital for our long runs, but for the 3 and 4 mile runs, it looks like I am treadmill bound until it gets cooler. The few times I have tried running in the heat made me ill and I got a horrible headache, even while fully hydrated. So, instead of getting sick, I am opting for a nice run in air conditioning.
   I do have to admit, not running has helped my head a little. I was getting more and more terrified about the task before me and actually doing this, but I feel a lot better about it now. I read this article recently in my Real Simple and it really has changed my life. http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/inspiration-motivation/runners-00100000081909/index.html I guess if they can overcome their fears, as hard as they were, I need to too. It really changed how I view my runs. I hope you can find the wisdom in the article I did.

The Move Has Began

   Like I have stated in previous posts, we are moving to Ogden (maybe?) next Friday, so we have been focusing on packing up our stuff this week. We are supposed to be taking over an apartment contract for a guy this Saturday and we haven't heard from him. We are hoping that that is still the plan when we show up on Saturday to sign all the contracts and stuff! If not, I guess we will be looking for a new place, PRONTO! We have to be out of here next weekend, so here is hoping.
   The move is really affecting our ability to get workouts in. But I was able to walk 2 miles on Monday while Mark ran and have been doing heavy labor lifting, taking down blinds and cleaning them, cleaning out closets and shelves, you know, moving stuff. It sure is a lot of work. All the physical stuff is causing some bad back spasms for me, so after a day of packing, there is no way I can go running. But, hopefully I can jump back into the swing of things soon. We are probably 20% packed, but it is hard to go too crazy right now because we still have to live too. It is mostly an exercise in decided what we can and can't live without right now.
   I think little Miss really misses our runs. She loves going around the hospital path and watching the little kids play soccer or the ultimate Frisbee people. And I think it made us all a lot happier just being outside and doing something good for ourselves. You know what happens when you move? You eat a lot of crappy food. Then the crappy food makes you want MORE crappy food. It is a never ending cycle, isn't it?

Happy Anniversary

  Yesterday was Mark and I's 5th wedding anniversary. I already told you about my run. Yeah, thanks husband for making me cry like a baby on our anniversary. How about next year we go kick some puppies? Despite all of this though, we had a pretty great time yesterday eating far too many calories and doing one too many errands. I would like to thank our friends Ryan and Lola for watching the Missy while we went to dinner and dessert. That was pretty nice to have our third date since at least Addison has come into our lives. It is nice to know your still with the one that makes your heart skip a beat now and then!

   I also heard that a few people who do not read this blog found out that I am running a half marathon and are excited for me. YAY! Now the pressure is building. It seems everyone but me can see me doing this. I guess I need to draw off their strength because I am scared to death. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. But, I did hear a quote yesterday that I think I am going to have to remember daily, "It is better to have an imperfect race than to continue imagining a perfect one from the couch."

Crying Before, During, and After Running Possible

   If you didn't know, Mark has a new job in Ogden. This means we are moving from Orem to Ogden in the next 2 weeks. But Mark's job started last month. So in the mean time, he has been commuting and driving an hour there and an hour home every day. In case you can't add, that is 11 hours he is away from us a day. So instead of having time for both of us to run, only one can most days. But, the other one walks Addison 1-2 miles while the other runs, so every day is exercise day for us!
   Yesterday was Mark's run day while I walk day. I ended up walking 3.5 miles yesterday. But that combined with weights the day before and I am one sore lady. Mark pointed out that I may be over training and that is why I can't seem to get the miles that I want too. Do you think he has a point? I am running 3, soon to be 4 days a week and doing weights on my off days. I might be doing too much and drop doing weights for a while to test his theory.
   Today was my run day. I was still sore when I woke up and was worried about that, but was able to get a mile in no problem. But after doing some reading today, I decided to so some sprinting today. So I did sprints for another mile. It felt good, but I have never been so tired after a run! I was panting and dying at the end when Mark tells me he has a song for me to listen to. Guess what song he picked out for me? Daughtry's Not A Day Goes By! Yeah, I cried like heck all the way home listening to it. But it was perfect. After a not as perfect run as I would hope, I got reminded of WHY I run, and it was beautiful, and therapeutic, and necessary for me all at the same time.  Even though I cried and sobbed being reminded of who and what I am missing, I think I might need it on my running play list to motivate me not to let her down.
   I have cried before a run. I have cried during a run begging Mark to stop because I couldn't keep going. But this crying after a run is new to me, and maybe I need to do it more often.

P.S. If you have never heard the song, here is a link. Please, listen to it and think of my little Isabel.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvpoYxwI08M

Sesame Street Changed My Running Play List

I have a confession. I a 16-month-old that loves to watch music videos. Not just an music videos, Elmo music videos. Well after hearing Elmo's Ducks 1000 times, I had to find a new one she would like. Instead I found 2. And they had such good messages, I sing them to myself while I run now. And so, after watching these, you will too. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWp6kkz-pnQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=cyVzjoj96vs

You Don't Know Anything, Mrs. Body Image Therapist!

   So yesterday was my rest from running day, so I tackle the weights on that day. Yesterday, I did them with Jillian Michaels. Yeah, I secretly think she is out to kill me. She will get to talking, say 4 more, then talk through the 4 and make you do 4 more from there. With 8 pound weights no less. Okay, so she didn't make me choose 8 pound weights, but as Jillian would say, "You want to see results don't you?"
  I also was able to leave Miss Addison with Mark in order to go to a mommy's group last night. For the event, we had a therapist that works with girls with eating disorders and specializes in body image. She focused on what our body does during and after pregnancy and how we can have a better body image during a time of so much change. She pointed out what celebrities have said about their new mommy selves (Like Gwenyth Paltrow, who works out 2 hours a day and did so within 4 weeks of delivering both her children, told reporters "Every woman can make time [for exercise]--every woman--and you can do it with your baby in the room."). She talked to us about the media's influence on breastfeeding and getting plastic surgery to look like "our old selves" after baby. It was all stuff I already knew.
   But then, she turned the discussion to ways we can improve our body images. "Don't diet" and "throw out your scale" were high on her list. WHAT???? My life is a perpetual diet and scale watching exercise. I have learned through watching the Biggest Loser, I Used to be Fat, and so on that if you aren't dieting and weighing in, how can your blame yourself for not doing enough? Why can't the number on the scale be your motivator? Oh, right. She works with women who have eating disorders and she must be coming at us from that extreme perspective.
   Oh, but then she listed warning signs of an eating disorder and I have like 6 of the 9 warning signs. But anyone who is walking around after years of dieting can tell you it is hard to eat without a judge, jury, calculator, and the Weight Watcher's points values for every food swirling around in your head. So OF COURSE I am counting calories in an obsessive way (I just feel bad about eating them. I can never say no to them!). OF COURSE I have a preoccupation with food. Honestly, who doesn't so some signs of an eating disorder. Where is the threshold between what most women do to themselves every day and what is dangerous? Maybe it all is?
   So after talking to her about how to break the cycle of punishing yourself in your head for the food we eat and how to work to have a better dialogue with ourselves about ourselves, I think I see the line. If you are always saying how ugly or fat or how you wish this or that would change on your body, and you can't, even for one second, see the wonderful and amazing things your body is capable of, then you need to work on yourself. So that is what I am going to set out to do. Focus on the fact that my body is capable of a half marathon and silence all my inner critics.

Running 3 Miles

   So because it is officially going to me running in Vegas and I only have 6 months to get to 13.1 miles, my husband and I started training for the half marathon yesterday. Our goal? Running 3 miles. I set out first while Mark pushed Addison in the stroller and only made it just over 2 miles before running into Mark and Addison on the running path. I then decided I was done for the day. I am really good at giving up on myself. Mark kept asking "Are you sure you don't want to keep going? It is only one mile! Why are you giving up on yourself?" After telling him I was a loser and messed up, he took off for his run. But right as he left I thought "It is only one mile more! So, pushing Addison, I set back out running.
   So off we go. I think it is important to mention that Addison is in the big, non jogging stroller and we are on a path that is a little rough at times. So I ran 1/4 of a mile until the path had too many cracks and cutouts to take Addison on safely, then walked to the next smooth spot and ran until it got too rough again. And even with the huge stroller and being tired already from my 2 miles and my complete failure at fueling myself properly yesterday (apparently not enough calories!), I kept not too far behind Mark. By the end of the my first mile I was only half a mile or less behind Mark! So I did it again and we met at the end of his three miles at the same time!
   So instead of 3 miles, I ended up running most of 4! This was huge for me. I guess I always need Mark to question my motives. But I figures out something else that I am going to need some help with. How do you get over your fear of success? I think I am setting myself up for failure by telling myself that I can't run a half marathon in 6 months, not because I don't know it is possible to run by then, it is totally doable. I fear that I am saying that I am going to do this then not train what I need to to get there. Or continually give up in my training and not get there. Either way, how do you stop yourself from sabotage? I have been thinking about this for a while and now is the time to figure it out.

In the Beginning...

   Well, like any good blog, I shall start mine with my story. I am training for my first half marathon. I haven't decided whether it will be the Strip at Night race in December or the SLC Marathon in April, but I am starting the training now. And my loving husband and 1-year-old daughter are also training with me.
   Why do I run? Because I have another daughter named Isabel. Isabel is very special. Isabel is my first daughter and she was stillborn because of a fatal birth defect called Anencephaly. If you don't know what that is, please visit http://www.anencephalie-info.org/e/index.php for info and stories from other parents that have shared out journey. When Isabel was diagnosed at our 18 week ultrasound, we were sent to a "specialist" that informed me that it was all my fault (even though I took folic acid to prevent it and Anencepahly is no one's fault, it just happens). After leaving the office in a giant huff, I allowed his words to affect the image I have of myself and allowed myself to gain weight and be even more unhealthy than I was already.
     You see, throughout my life, I have gained and lost the same 50 pounds and this doctor gave me one more excuse not to care about it anymore. But then something happened. I had Isabel's healthy little sister, Addison, and then I did care. I cared very much that I was being unhealthy and teaching Addison the same bad habits I have had my whole life. So on her first birthday, I decided that I had to have a goal in life. That goal was to walk the equivalent distance from my house to my favorite place in the world, Las Vegas by my wedding anniversary this Saturday. I have more or less accomplished that (I forgot to keep track for a while, but if my figures are correct, I will be there Sunday or so). During my walking, I started thinking about running. I have always wanted to be a runner, but I never was very good at it. Then my friend pointed out that you are a runner no matter how much you run and that prospective changed my outlook on running. Sure, I could only run for a fourth of a mile at a time, but if I walked a little, I could run again and in the last three months, I have worked my way up to three miles non stop. My husband joined me and now he runs while I walk Addison around the running path and then we switch.
   Has it been easy? No. Worth it? Yes. I see myself in a better light. And I have lost 20 pounds. But I am always looking for a race that we should sign up for and thanks to a running friend of mine, we might has decided to go for it and sign up for a half marathon in Las Vegas. That gives me 6 months to go from 3 miles to 13.1. Wish me luck!