Oh Ripped in 30, How I Hate/Love You

 
   So are you already know, Mark and I are doing Ripped in 30 Monday-Thursday as well as running on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. That means 2 workouts on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Last Tuesday we started level 2 of Ripped. It is hard. It is trying. I ended up cussing and throwing my weights down and walking away (and yes, I use 5 pound weights, so it was a THUNK! of a day). That was the start of my rough week. My run was actually pretty good that night, running through bad times is starting to become a hobby of mine. But, you can't do Jillian if you hate yourself. It is too hard and you will give up. Just like I did last Tuesday. And Wednesday.
   Today was day 5 on level 2 (we are doing 7 days on each level). It is better. There are still some moves I just can't do. But I sure do try. And you know what? I can see a difference in my body. My arms are looking a lot more muscular. My legs are getting more ripped. And my back hurts, which is a sign it is getting a good workout. Do I love these workouts like I did the Shred? No. Am I getting better visual results? Yep. You decided which is better.
   Running is going well, ish anyway. Last week was a level off week and my 3 mile Saturday run was awful. Today's 2 mile run wasn't great either. At least I had an excuse today. I didn't eat or drink anything for 6 hours before the run. Not smart. I guess there is no such thing as a bad run as long as you learn the lesson of why it was a bad run, right? The Salt Lake City 5K is now less than a month away and the YMCA Famous Idaho Potato Marathon is less than 2 months away. While I hope to have a PR at the 5K (which shouldn't be hard to beat 41 minutes), I am more worried about the 13.1 mile run. I just hope that it is a great running day and I figure out how to fuel my body by then.

Running for Isabel

   After we lost Isabel and was forced to go on with our lives, all anybody could say to us was that we were so strong. Mark and I would look at each other and think "THIS is strong?" We didn't feel strong. We weren't strong. All we were doing was going through the motions that society said we have to go through to get through life. And even then we weren't doing that great of a job. Our house was a mess, with dishes piling up for a week or even longer before one of us was forced to spend the 4 hours doing them. We had Isabel's pictures all over our living room floor where we were slowly making her scrapbook pages. We never dusted. The only time our clothes got washed was when we ran out of everything, and even then we just pulled what we needed from the drier until we were forced to pull the rest out to put a new load in. I couldn't function well around others. How dare everyone else keep living? And that was just the first few numb months.
  Around the time Isabel would have been 4 months old, the numb began to wear off and the anger set in. And boy howdy, did I get angry. How dare my damn body do this! How dare my doctors not do more to get her here alive! How dare people not stop everything because I couldn't function! And the worst offenders, how dare people tell me anything religious concerning Isabel! I consider myself quite religious, but not in the traditional LDS sense. I don't feel like it is important to go to love Relief Society and find it comfort enough that we will all be together again one day. While I recognize that Isabel was too special to be here with us, I also don't understand why Mark and I have to be tested like this. And finding comfort around people that insisted I should rejoice when I don't feel like rejoicing was hard. I began to question people, "If someone killed your kid today, would you really find comfort in the fact that you kid doesn't have to be tried anymore???" Yeah, I didn't make friends or influence people.
   But I learned a lot about the people around me at that time too. My real friends never gave me all the religious platitudes that obviously were hurting Mark and I. They were there, even if that meant staying on the phone when all I could do was sob uncontrollably.  They never questioned why I couldn't go to church and sit through church talks about other peoples "trials" and watch women who pop out kids like most people change their shoes. All they did was hug me and keep me safe at a time when I couldn't and wasn't functioning. Because I wasn't.
   Most people assured us when I got pregnant again that everything would get better. But losing Addison's twin and our doctor putting us in constant fear that something was wrong with me or Addison didn't help anything. And while holding my newborn healthy baby laid to rest all my fears of Addison dying, it brought to the surface all the loss I still felt from Isabel. I found myself crying while I nursed Addison because I never could nurse Isabel. I laid awake at night sometimes just watching Addison to make sure she would live through the night. And as I saw my body post pregnancy 2 in 2 years, I started to hate my body even more. I couldn't love it for everything it was doing right, like being Addison's only food source, I could only focus on how stupid it was for making me lose 2 babies to get one here.
   One very late night while nursing Addison, I found the Insanity infomercial. In my groggy, just had a baby a couple of weeks ago state, I thought I could punish my body like that. I really thought that maybe it I worked it to hell, I could punish it for being such a piece of crap. That was just where I was mentally. Luckily, a new baby meant we had no money to buy the workout video. But eventually, I felt ready to do SOMETHING. So I came up with a new idea inspired by my friend Josh, we could run a 5k! I mentioned a way that I could run, then Mark could run to train. Mark was a no go. So I tried to run on my own. And after a few weeks, I too gave up. It is no fun to train alone.
  Then we moved to Orem. We moved right next to a running path and our marathon training friend Ryan. AND, we moved right in the middle of running heaven. There is a race somewhere in the area almost every weekend. And while I still wasn't a runner, I could walk. So I started a walking program. And I talked to Ryan and Josh who both said there was no reason we couldn't run. Then I started. Then Mark started. We worked together. And while all this was going on, I still was struggling with being a mother. How can you be a mother to a baby that isn't there? I still hated my body because I was now realizing that even though Addison was healthy, I couldn't lose two more babies to get another one here. So we ran. We started going to races our friends were in and got inspired to train for a half marathon taking place in December.
  Then we moved, again. This time, we were not by friends, or a nice running trail, but we kept trucking. Then I got sick. After being down two months, I got plantar fasciitis. It soon became apparent that I just couldn't train enough for the race. So instead of running the race, we sat on the sidelines cheering on Josh. And I carried around guilt that I promised myself and Isabel that I would run the race for her.
  Then Josh and I had a long chat on the way home from Vegas. He reminded me that losing weight has nothing to do with the weight. It is about fixing all the stuff that got you fat in the first place. It was Isabel's message to me that I could no longer eat myself to death. I wasn't going to feel better by eating, so do what made me feel better, which was running and exercise. So the next day, I started again. Do I stumble? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Am I worth it? Isabel thinks so.
   Today as I was checking Facebook, I found this and it stopped me in my tracks. Yes, this could just be about running through the physical discomfort that comes from running. But for me, it is about going even when we don't want to anymore. And even though this picture brought up some painful memories, it also shows me how much I have learned about grief and myself through the simple act of running. So, run on!

Five Miles

   I have dreaded today for a while. Like for 4 weeks. And the reason why I have dreaded to day is because  the last time I was training for a half marathon, we made it to the 5 mile run, which I ended up run/walking, then I got sick and hurt my foot, making me unable to run the half I was going to run. There was something about that 5 miler. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. And today we were supposed to run 5 again.
   As you may have already read, this week has been a terrible week in running. The same illness that sidelined me for so long last training struck again this week. But, because I knew what it was, I was able to get it treated faster this time (last time I was sick for 2 months!). Now I am feeling better, but because of some necessary diet changes, I wasn't running well. There just wasn't enough carbs in my diet. But yesterday we tweaked that and ate pasta for dinner and a smoothie for breakfast. Boy, what a change that made! The last couple of runs have been only 2 milers and I was not able to run them straight. Today, minus the time it took me to drink water and Poweraid (I can't run and drink. Too klutzy!), I ran the whole 5 miles! Up hills and everything. I was giggling like a school girl at the end.
   I am not going to lie and tell you it was easy. It wasn't. But there is a huge difference in running fueled and running on empty. Today was totally a mind game. I knew my body could go farther, so it was easier to tell my head that I could do it. The last couple of runs have been a physical impossibility, making them mentally draining as well. Diet really is everything while running.

   In case you were wondering about the trail we run on, here is the running route we do. http://www.runningmap.com/

UGH!

   So this week hasn't been a great week in training for me. I had some health problems reemerge, making me change my diet. Basically, I am supposed to try and be gluten and sugar free. Completely. Which means no fruit. No whole wheat tortillas. Nothing in my oatmeal. Just meat and veggies. Hopefully this diet thing will be short lived and I can go back to my afternoon apple and morning banana or orange.
   The result of the diet change has been a unhappy me. I don't want to eat because I feel like there is nothing too eat. I apparently am leaning on fruit a lot. I did get some gluten free, organic brown rice cakes (which are YUMMY, by the way) and that was all I ate basically one day, because it was what I could eat. Unfortunately, rice cakes are not the right kind fuel you need to do Jillian and running. I thought Tuesday night's run was tough (only 2 miles and I had to walk probably 200 yards, which is more than the 0 yards I would normally need). Then I was too sore and not feeling well enough to do Jillian yesterday. Then I did Jillian this morning, but tonight's run was HORRIBLE. We were supposed to go 2 miles again today and I honestly felt like I had cement on my feet. I had to walk multiple times. I started crying. It was bad. I know everyone has a bad workout, the next one will be good, blah blah blah, but this was bad.
   And I now feel bad about myself. Why does my body protest so much? Why is this so hard for me? I am tired of getting sick and injured. Why is it always happening to me? Why has this change in diet now equaled a weight loss? UGH!

   

Half Marathon Training + Ripped in 30= ?

   We are just over 2 months away from our first half marathon and 2 weeks into our heavy training. Last week we ran 8 miles, this week it will be 9. On Tuesdays and Thursdays we do 2 or 3 mile runs at Riverton Park where there is a running trail. This running trail contains a hill from hell. The going down is gradual and fun, but the uphill part is a very steep incline of just a couple of yards. Luckily Mark pushes Addison, or I would never make it up the hill. And because the path is only 1/2 mile, we hit it 4-6 times a run. I just keep thinking, "Only 20 more runs on the hill until the half. Only 20 more runs on the hill until the half."  I know, hill training is very important because it builds your strength faster and blah, blah, blah, but I still am against hills.
   I learned a couple of weeks ago that I love sprinting and speed drills. Turns out all my skills lie in running really fast for a short period of time. And now that the snow is gone, we can also do that once a week on the grass where I am a lot less likely to hurt my foot anymore that I already have. Mark doesn't like them, but he has no problems with endurance, so it is a give and take on that point for us.
   We do our long weekend runs on Denver and Rio Grande Western Rail Trail. It is the huge paved trail that runs from Roy, UT to the Draper, UT area and changes names a million times. It is perfect for longer runs because it is mostly flat, only slight inclines and declines. And you can easily go for miles and miles and miles due to it's length. We did 4 miles this weekend. I ran most of it, Mark ran all of it. For some reason, four miles seemed an eternity this weekend. But we got it done and even bad training runs are better than sitting on the couch.
  We are doing all of this as well as Ripped in 30, which we just started last Wednesday.  We do it Monday-Thursday in the mornings before Mark goes to work and run at night. Running long distances can actually take away muscle mass, so it is important to get in strength training. And the stronger you are, the longer you are supposed to be able to run. Anything that helps me with endurance, I am all for. We will be doing Ripped until the end of April. I lost 18.5 inches on 30 Day Shred, so I am hoping for big loses on Ripped too. Swimming suit season is almost upon us, even if we will be too busy running to enjoy it.

The Results of the Shred Challenge

   As you may know, Mark and I took on the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Micheals. We did the program as she recommended, doing her workout 4 days a week and cardio 2 days a week, taking Sunday off. Doing the video this way, it took us 7 1/2 weeks to complete. The videos are posted, for free, on Youtube, making this a great workout for anyone on any budget, as long as you own weights already (we were able to pick up another pair of 3 pound weights for $2 at a DI!).
   This is a total Jillian Micheals video. She will yell at you. She will kick your butt. Make no mistake, you will work harder in these 20 minute videos than you do normally in an hour at the gym, but the results were AWESOME for me. I ended up losing 14.8 pounds and 18.5 inches total. I feel like that is AMAZING for 7 1/2 weeks of work!

Before pictures taken in Las Vegas on November 30-December 2

This one makes me really cringe! 

 After pictures taken last week at the Jazz game

 My face looks much slimmer. Mark says I am "deflating". 

  We will be starting Ripped in 30 on Wednesday. I am hoping for even better results.

One Year and Three Days

   March 1st was my one year anniversary of when I started running. I may have only ran one 5K and have had shin splints and am currently battling plantar fasciitis, but I love running. I didn't always like it. Heck, there are still days I don't like it. But there is nothing I have found that gives me that sense of accomplishment like a run. Just being able to say my body did that is the best feeling ever. But it has taken a lot of tears and tries to get to where I am today.

   One year ago, I was doing walking workouts with Leslie Sansone  (go to her website for awesome workouts and inspiration to start your own fitness journey) and all of our friends were talking about the Salt Lake City Marathon they were training for. I told my friend Josh that I hated running and that I would never run a race. He said that he had once hated running, but if you keep trying, you will fall in love with it. Then our other friend, Ryan, told me "You know you are a runner, even if you only run one step." Something about that gave me the courage to try. I decided to run in place during the marching parts of Leslie's videos. Watching me do that inspired Mark to start a few days later. Then we started going to the running path at the Orem Hospital and trying to run even longer. At first we couldn't even run 1/4 a mile, but we kept trying. Our goal was to run a whole mile by April 1. We reached our goal just in time for me to get shin splints and Mark to hurt his knees. After a week off and new shoes for Mark, we started again hoping to reach 2 miles by May 1. We ran our first 2 whole miles a few days after the deadline, but then I was able to run a 5K distance a week after that! All of these gains were made amid us relocating AGAIN to Ogden. We moved where their wasn't any running paths, but we still headed across the street to Ogden Weber Tech. to run their  campus. 

   Then it happened. I got plantar fasciitis and I quit running for 5 months.I also gained 15 pounds. My foot never really improved and I was convinced that I would never get to run again. But then I eased back into Leslie and found my foot actually felt so much better if I actually did work out. A month later, and some awesome new running shoes, I was back to running. I ran my first 5K race a week later. Crazy? Yes! Awesome YES! That race really changed how I see my body. Despite any problems I might have, I still have the ability to run. I that is what I am going to do.

   I am now training, again, for a half marathon. We are 11 weeks out and I am FREAKING. I haven't ran over 4 miles since we started running again and what if I can't get myself up to 13.1? What if I come in dead last?  I am really nervous today, so I have turned to Pinterest to help motivate me. So here is some of the wonderful things I have found...

Trust me!

And of course...

   I hope that these were as motivating to you as they were to me.