Happy Birthday, Isabel

   All day I have been thinking about Isabel's long long birth. For those of you that don't know, I was in labor for 41 hours. That is almost 2 whole days. Two very LONG days. Here we are, 3 years later, and I can still remember in exact detail some of the events that lead to her death and birth. I can remember everyone, EVERYONE telling me that there is no medal for doing it all natural (which, there totally is. Knowing your body is capable of such a big thing and carrying it out proves just how awesome your body actually is!). I can remember both times my water broke at the most terrible times! I carry with me that moment that the nurse left the room while I was pushing to tell my doctor Isabel had passed away and looking out the window and the snow, just starting to fall in that moment. I remember that moment that the doctor laid her on me and everyone in the room looked away while I was trying to rub her back alive. I remember thinking "This isn't the end. This isn't what I prayed for." Those memories come flooding back to me over and over again, sometimes with no warning.
   I always, ALWAYS wish I could just have one conversation with Isabel. I think that would help with the healing process more than anything. I guess that is what it means to be perfected in the afterlife, to finally have all those conversations you need to be whole. I still talk to her on a daily basis. She is a part of me and I use her as my sounding board. But today I want to wish her a happy birthday tomorrow. If she were here, this is what I would say to her on her third birthday:

   Isabel, you have no idea how much and how long we waited for you. Or how long we are still waiting on you to be with us. I tried everything I could to give you the best life you could have with your limited physical abilities. I hope you understand how much I wish it could have been different for you. And I hope that you able to enjoy what little we were able to give you in this life. 
   Addison misses you. But I know you are always there with her. She carries your picture around, as if she is enjoying the world with you. When we put up the butterflies in her room, she took your picture to show them to you. She carries you around in her beloved wagon often. And just today she had you pointing out the window looking at the neighbor kids with her. She knows you. She has even tried blaming you for the pee pees in her pants. I know that there will always be a piece of you with her, where ever she goes. I am so grateful she has such an awesome older sister. I know that you are always with her, even when I can not be.

   Daddy misses you too. I know the thought of having two daughters so close in age scares the pants off of him, but he is learning. He likes to keep his emotions close to him, so we don't talk about his grief much. I always hope that he is finding ways to deal with it in a healthy way. I know that he loves you very much and he is always anxious to see you in Twin whenever we are there.
   I still have unanswered questions about your life. Why did you have to die before I could meet you? Why was your birth so hard? Why did you have to be sick at all? Could I have really done nothing more to have stopped this? I really don't know if answering any of these questions would make me feel better. I hope that it would, but I don't know. All I know is that I can't blame myself anymore. It is absolutely eating me up. I have to know that you would want more of me. 
   I hope that you are thinking of us on your birthday too. If you see some balloons with notes attached, those are probably from us. I am sure we might have to fight Addison to let them just go. She does love her balloons. I wish you could have been here to celebrate. I could have made your the world's ugliest cake, which your Dad would insist it "looks just fine." We could have had a party, something themed just the way you would like. Addison and you could have played all day and I would have read to you all the books you could ever want. That is my birthday wish to you. I hope that you are able to feel all the joy you deserve. I hope that you feel all the love that we have for you. Happy Birthday. I can't wait until I can see you again.

How to Not Get Fatter During The Holidays

   My friend Josh has motivated me in more ways than he can ever imagine. First of all, he motivated me to consider running, a sport I thought ill of.  What is the point of running if you are not A) being chased or B) playing a sport? But, after going to a couple of races to support him and his obsession, I caught the bug too. He has also lost 185 pounds in the last 3 years. He has taught me to set small goals to reach one large goal to change and improve your life. To read more about him, visit his blog at http://www.phatjosh.com. It is amazing.
   He posted a list of 11 ideas to keep you on your weight loss journey. I liked it so much, I thought I would share some of his ideas here, with my own insights of course. I decided to start losing weight in December rather than January like most people simply because I couldn't stand one more day of not doing something right in my life. Has it been easy with holiday treats hanging around? No. Is my 9 pound weight loss worth it? Yes. So here is some things Josh and I have figured out to help us stay on the correct path this holiday season.

• Stick to a regular workout schedule. If the weather outside is frightful, run on the treadmill, an indoor track, or with a workout video. You might find out you like kickboxing, Tae Bo, or yoga. Who knew?
• Avoid overeating at holiday parties by eating a small meal before.
• Designate appropriate times and places to eat that ONE thing you wait for every year to eat. Make sure to ENJOY it as well. 
• Don't eat it unless you really want it and set appropriate limits. One cookie is fine, a whole batch, not so much... 
• If you need a holiday sugar rush ... grab a candy cane! They have only 45 calories and 8 grams of sugar! 
• Snacks should consist of about 15-20 grams of carbohydrates to about 9-10 grams of fat per serving. An apple and a Tbls. of peanut butter or 3 cups of air popped popcorn with a half serving of chocolate chips to fulfill that chocolate serving are both appropriate snacks.  
• Grab water instead of sodas and juices with your meals. This includes diet soda. Need extra something in the water? Add a squeeze of a citrus fruit for a yummy treat. 
• Set yourself a nutrition goal once a week to improve your health. Last week's goal for me was to get 8 servings+ of fruits and veggies a day. This week is that AND 9 glasses of water or green tea a day.
• If you overeat one day, move on. It doesn't mean your holiday diet is broke. That is like saying my bedroom is a mess, I should screw up the whole house! Forgive the small mess and focus on doing more good things. 
• Instead of aiming to be perfect, aim for a more realistic 80/20 diet. That means one "treat" meal a week and one treat a week. Looking forward to that one splurge is enough to help you actually ENJOY the splurge! I am using www.livestrong.com/myplate to track my food and make sure I am staying in my calorie goals. You can too!
• As Josh would say, RUN. Especially run during the Run Resolution (January 1) and New Years Resolution Half Marathon (January 5). Those two runs will hide many of your holidays sins. Plus, you get a carb load before hand! If you are not into running, set yourself another goal on those two days. Start walking now and walk one more mile than you ever have on January 1st and walk 2 more miles on January 5th. Small feats like these add up to large improvements on your health and on your ego!

      This list serves more of a reminder of the things I should be doing, but I hope it helps you too. Remember, small steps can lead to awesome destinations. 

Walking for Newton

   Today a friend of mine on Facebook posted a link about how to help Newton,CT, http://www.hlntv.com/article/2012/12/18/ways-you-can-help-newtown-community. I read the list and decided, FOR SURE that Little Miss and I could so some of them for an activity today. But there was one that was right up my alley:  "#9: Find other people in your community who are pledging to walk for 27 minutes on Friday 12/21 at 9:30 a.m."
   I want to challenge all of you, no matter where you are, to try and drop what you are doing and walk for those 27 minutes. Walk around your block, your park, your walking path, your mall, or march in your living room. Just move for those 27 minutes. And spread the word. Tell everyone you know to walk for those 27 minutes. Not only will it honor those who have fallen, but it will also improve your health. 

Putting On My Big Girl Panties

   So, in case you haven't noticed, I quit blogging and the Vegas race was 16 days ago. And no, I didn't run it. :( While running in August I started feeling sharp pains in my left foot. The next day I could barely walk. Turns out I have plantar fasciitis and was no longer able to train. Nor did I work out for 3 months. And we moved, AGAIN, during that time (but we bought a house, so I don't think we will be moving for a very long time). And yes, I put back on all the weight I lost. But we still went to Vegas to root on Josh (who later decided that the race is far too large and disorganized to enjoy). Vegas was AWESOME and just watching made me catch the running bug again. Too bad I still can't run. Stupid foot.
   But I can do the next best thing. On December 4, the day after we got back, I finally went to the website, livestrong.com/myplate, that my doctor told me about in August (right before I hurt myself). I started with a weigh in and set honest goals for myself. Since then, I have lost 8 pounds! I walk about 15 miles a week with Leslie Sansone and do weight training with either Jillian Micheals or  my pilates video. And you know what? I like myself again.
   Something has occurred to me recently. It wasn't my fault that Isabel died. I can't control a tipped uterus or the fact my body doesn't absorb folic acid. Although my body has some hurdles to cross to get pregnant and to have healthy pregnancies, I can't continue hating myself and eating myself to death. Addison needs me. Mark needs me. And I need me. I need me to be the best that I can be. If I don't change, I will kill myself by having a heart attack or a stroke or cancer or something. I have to, for the first time ever, live to be here tomorrow. I have to, as they say, put on my big girl panties and grow up.

Seriously, I Hate That Hill

   I went to Idaho with just Addison after my 5 miler on Saturday and was not, due to my stupid back, able to run again until today. But I decided since it was still in the 60's outside that I would take Addison in her stroller and run 3 miles of what we did Saturday. I didn't even make it close up that hill. First off, my husband must be the strongest man ever because that freaking stroller is like 50 pounds with Addison in it (okay, maybe 30, but still). And then to run with it, FORGET ABOUT IT! I have done it on a flatter course and it was a workout then, but up the hill? Um, no. I was able to run a for part of the mile, but nothing uphill for sure. And after the second lap, I went to the workout room and walked the third mile, on a 9 incline, because I obviously need to get better on the hills! And lucky for me, Addison sat happily in her stroller watching The Price Is Right while I did it.
   Today also starts the day that I quit Weight Watchers and start a runners diet. While lots of people have lost weight on WW, I haven't in months. AND, I feel like it penalizes you for eating good food and forces you to make bad decisions. For instance, a serving of brown rice is 5 points. A serving of white rice is 5 points. The white rice is basically poison. It raises your insulin levels and makes you crave sugar. Brown rice is full of fiber and amino acids your body needs. Yet, I feel like you are penalized for eating it. Same with high fiber whole wheat bread. It is the same value as white bread, which does the same thing as white rice. And, the diet says you can drink diet soda, which is devil liquid. It also makes you crave sugar. And when you drink it, it makes fruits and veggies taste bad, so you eat more of them. Oh, and using sugar substitutes confuses the body on how to digest real sugar, so your body stores it as fat faster. And if that weren't enough, then there is this...http://news.menshealth.com/diet-soda-heart-disease/2012/02/08/. Still, WW has been known to teach people to eat cake made of diet soda, that diet soda is 0 points, and therefor drink up, and on and on. Those are just a few of the reasons I had to stop. I felt punished for eating real, healthy food my body needs as a runner. I need healthy carbs.
   So Mark and I have made the switch. I found after lots of research a 7 day meal plan that would give us about 1800 calories (which I think I still need since I am still nursing and you do need some more when you are running at least an hour 4 times a week). We can always adjust and skip a snack or something, but the plan looks great so far. AND, it is all natural food! Nothing processed. And THAT is AWESOME! I have been growing more and more granola crunch as I age, and I guess eating a whole food diet was just the next step. And since I went to Idaho, I was able to raid my parents garden and bring back some awesome veggies to help us. Like is great.

Oh Rocky, You Make It Look TOO Easy

   Saturday marked my first run outside since we moved. We checked it out on a route planner and realized that running around the Ogden Weber Tech campus equaled a mile. So Saturday Mark and I set out with Addison's cumbersome stroller (we are still in the market for a jogger that isn't a piece of crap) to do our 5 miles. However, the first third of the mile was a hill. A long, long hill. While most of the run is either downhill or flat, there is that long hill. And we had to conquer it 5 times.
  The first mile was good. I realized that running on my flat treadmill was not enough to prepare me for the course I would be running in Vegas. Then, the second trip up the hill killed me. I ended up getting all the way up the hill then having to walk a bit to recover before running again. The third time? FORGET ABOUT IT! I was dying, but told myself that it didn't matter if I walked AFTER I finished the hill, I just had to finish it. And so that is how the rest of the miles went. Run the hill. Walk the next fourth of a mile or so. Run down the other side. Prepare for the hill, and run again.
   The way that run actually went and how I pictured it were completely different. This is how I start my runs, at least in my head...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NubH5BDOaD8. This is what I probably really look like, but in much slower motion...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5bXbJitRZg. The ending is totally me. But hey, what can you do?

The Running Bug and Other Things I Just Realized...

   I guess I have never told my whole running story. Sure, I have told you about Isabel and what motivates me to run a half marathon, but I don't think I have ever told anyone my full running story. The truth is, I am still trying to figure that out, but here is what I have so far.
   Five years ago, my mom had a heart attack and went into cardiac arrest and had a stroke the day after my wedding. She was being pronounced dead at my parents house with my father and sister watching when they found a heart beat. Not a beating heart, just a single heart beat. The medical team that rushed to our house then rushed her to the hospital where my mother had a stint put in and was in a coma for 3 long days. During that time we didn't know if she would live. And if she did live, we were told that she would probably have an impaired life due to the stroke, which they still weren't sure how serious it was until she woke up. Then on day 3, my mom awoke from her coma, dazed, but alive and fully functioning. We brought her home from the hospital with in that week and 5 years later she is doing pretty good, for a woman that died!
   While she was in the ICU, her Cardiologist warned my siblings and I that we now had a high risk of heart attack and that we should do everything in our power to stay healthy. And that scared me, for about 6 months. Then the life of being a full time student, part time employee, and wife took over and I didn't think much about what I was doing to myself. Then Mark and I decided to have a baby. And we waited and waited and waited. Finally, 15 months later a doctor decided I should be fertility tested. They ultrasound me and did blood tests only to find...nothing they could diagnose as one thing or another. Yeah, my hormones looked like I might have PCOS, except I didn't have high enough testosterone levels or cysts. My periods, when they did come, might signal endometriosis, but I also didn't have that. In the end, they could see I has hormone problems that lead to my infertility, but couldn't give those problems a name. So two months after my first doctor's appointment, I was put on Clomid, a fertility drug. Mid cycle they did some testing and decided I didn't respond at all to the drugs. I knew I had, but the hormone tests said I didn't. But I stood my ground and was told to come in at day 30 for more tests. Day 30 came and they gave me a urine pregnancy test. That came up negative. My doctor assured my I didn't ovulate and that I should start the progesterone to start the next cycle, this time on stronger drugs. I went home crushed. And cried. And knew deep down they were wrong. The very next day I was walking home from my evening class and I knew something was up. I was tired and didn't feel right. But, after the day before, there was no way I was going to take another pregnancy test. Still, by the time I got home, that nagging voice in my head convinced me to take one more test then start the drugs again. So I did. And it was positive. My doctor, not believing me, sent me to a blood test. Yep, still pregnant. And I remained pregnant until Isabel was born 35 weeks later.

   Then the third ah ha moment came when I was pregnant with Addison (which I needed no fertility drugs to get!). I had a horrible pregnancy with Addison. I produced too much relaxin and developed Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction, or SPD. SPD left me unable to walk much or lay on the bed or stand too long or anything without EXTREME pain. I had to sleep in our recliner and was basically on bed rest from 20 weeks on. Then they were never quite sure if Addison was really healthy, until she was born. So that lead to 38 weeks of sure terror. It was hard to get to excited about her arrival when we weren't sure if she was even going to come home with us. They decided that she for sure didn't have Anencephaly, but couldn't rule out Hyrodcyphaly for sure until she was born. Then I had a doctor that cried wolf and insisted, due to my huge weight gain this pregnancy, that I must have diabetes, which I didn't, or needed a c-section, which I didn't. Oh, and if all this wasn't enough, I then got high blood pressure the last week of my pregnancy. By the time I came to the hospital in labor, my blood pressure was like 160/110 or something like that. Which would explain the unstoppable headache I had. 
   All of this together made me realize that I had to do something so I would never be in that position again. And while it took us a year to actually start a real running program, I can say that I have treated myself better than I ever have in my life. And now I love that my body is capable of running. That I can go run for an hour. I love this and crave it. I think all the time about the training tips I read and about how my next run will be. It is a marvelous change. And even weirder, I have the running bug. I used to tease my running friends about it, but trust me, it is great. And I hope that this lifestyle change can prevent myself from a heart attack, or more infertility, or another high risk pregnancy of my own body's making.