Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Overwhelming Sense You Have Made A Mistake.

This is my favorite episode of The Office. As a runner, I laugh at all of the runner jokes, Micheal carb loading on Alfredo, Dwight giving Toby Imodium before the race, Toby winning the race and no one is there to appreciate it.
 This is one of my favorite jokes of the show. I can't believe he chaffed that bad. It was a 5k!
 I have been hard at work training for my marathon over the last couple of weeks. I did a 16.something mile run then a 13ish mile run the last couple of weekends along with my weekly training. The work is hard. I find it daunting each week as the numbers grow bigger to head out. Planning on being out for 3-4 hours is enough to make me want to run and hide from my decision to do this. Seriously, what was I thinking?
   Of course, Mark is in heaven. He has really found something he can excel at. Every week is a fun new challenge to him. I envy him and hate him all at the same time.
  During last Saturday's run I was about 2 miles out from our car on the Wasatch out and back section of the race and felt my left ankle start hurt like I twisted it. My whole foot was hurting some (that is the foot I got plantar fasciitis in) from the hilly portion of our run and I think this is more of the same. That and my shoes are officially needing to be retired, so with new shoes I should be good to go. Still, my foot is hurting. And I am worried about it. This is all I need right now. I really need to get a 20 miler in this Saturday. It is freaking me out.
  And honestly, I have no idea why I am doing this. I really got swept up in the whole marathon fever when my running group was training for the Ogden Marathon. From January until race day in May, they headed out and had running parties every week. I didn't notice how hard or emotionally exhausting all of this was watching the first time marathoners preparing for race day. They made it look so easy.
   Looking back, I chose not to see how hard it really was for each of them. I was only seeing my own struggles coming back from injury to see that everyone around me was struggling just as much. I think there is a life metaphor there.
  I am struggling to find my own inner strength. I understand how little of marathon running actually has to do with physical strength. Your body is built to do this. People run 100 milers! The human body is meant to do hard and wonderful things. I just struggle to find the faith that I too am meant to do this. I do not see myself as an athlete. I don't know when I will realize that I am one. I still stand at race start-lines wondering how in the world I accidentally found myself there. I have even thought when I am around my running group "I should be a real runner like these people some day." Hello, stupid! You are doing the same thing they are! I have those thoughts, then I go out running again and feel like crap about myself.
   I am the worst critic of myself (aren't we all?). I can talk myself out of anything good and worthwhile. I am so good at it, I don't even realize I do it until days, even weeks later. I kind of feel like doing this marathon is a way to force me to see myself as a fighter. Because I don't currently think that of myself. Unfortunately,  my training is only exacerbating the problem I have with giving up on myself. I start questioning whether or not I am going to have a good run before I even start running. I think I am stressing myself into feeling pain and getting headaches. Then I hate myself more for it. It is a vicious cycle.
   What are your experiences with marathon training? Did you love it? Hate it? What did you learn about yourself?

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for having the courage to share this, Jill! I had a similar experience at my race this past Saturday. At one point in the race, I told myself this would be my last race all together. It can be so tough when everyone else seems faster and "more athletic" than you, right? I felt the same.


    I'm glad you're not quitting, and are continuing on with your endeavor! You go girl! ;)


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